Clickbait Food: Top 11 Foods Your Professors DON'T Want You to Know About!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

 

Top 11 foods your professors don’t want you to know about! 

            Sup guys, this is Jackie “B-Bucks” Rodgers at it again with another brain hack for the testers among us! If you’re like me, you like to start each day of mind-wipe _(exams) with one thing: POWER. And, if you’re like me, you know a few ways to get it. But don’t worry, for those of you that aren’t like me, I have a couple foods to put you on the fast-track to greatness.

Number 11: POWER-BLEND

            Have you ever looked at someone and realized that they were literally glowing? I’m not talking about the radiation glow, I’m talking about the golden glow of health. Well, 99 times out of 100, this is how they do it: POWER-BLEND.           

            Put very simply, POWER-BLEND is they key to immortality, and all you need is a blender and some ultra-food (otherwise known as “fruit”).

            Now, POWER-BLEND is more of an art than a science, so I won’t go too far into the details, but allow me to explain the concept. Ultra-food is filled with essential vitamins and minerals as well as non-essential but helpful ones (think of the antioxidants in blueberries).  Compare drinks like the leading sodas: they have all the sweetness but remove all the nutrients. Even juice is guilty of it. Think of all the mass that was discarded when the juice was extracted. Plus, without the fiber to help with digestion, all the sugar goes directly into your bloodstream.

            So it is clear that most drinks are nowhere near the level of ultra-food, but to drink nothing at all would be a sorrowful existence. Luckily, there is a way to combine the pros of both with none of the cons: POWER-BLEND. You can easily double or triple your intake of ultra-food without noticing a difference (aside from FLAVOR), and you can even incorporate some foods that are undesirable on their own.

            Here are my important notes:

• Bananas are extremely strong. Use them with caution or they may drown out other flavors.
• Blueberries are extremely good. It’s like they were designed for POWER-BLEND.
• Leaves like kale or spinach don’t change the flavor at all until the blend is over 50% leaf. Use that to your advantage.
• Vegetables like carrots can be used if you are willing to experiment with the texture. Make sure to blend them thoroughly.
• You will be surprised how many ingredients do well when blended.
• Your mix won’t blend? Add water. If that doesn’t work, keep adding water until it does. It fixes the problem 99% of the time. This is especially important for frozen ingredients.

            Now, let old B-Boss recommend a formula to try: 1 container of blueberries (around a bowl’s worth) plus two oranges (try to remove any seeds) is simple and extremely good, not to mention the level of POWER involved.

            You might be wondering, “I don’t have a blender. Am I still able to make POWER-BLEND at home?” Absolutely. Seal the ultra-blend in a bag, hang the bag from the ceiling in front of your pull-up bar, and headbutt the bag with every pull-up. The higher the intensity of your pull-up, the more pulverizing the impact will be. Repeat until the ultra-blend is at a soft, drinkable consistency.

NUMBERS 10-THROUGH-2: POWER-MEAL

            Some people look at POWER-MEAL and think, “Oh, this is just oatmeal.”

            They are not sophisticated.

            Oatmeal is what old men eat when they want an easy breakfast. Oatmeal is what busy moms prep overnight in their refrigerator when they don’t want to think about food for the next few mornings.

           POWER-MEAL is what a champion eats before breaking the Deadlift World Record.

           POWER-MEAL is how an ultra-marathon runner gets ready to spend 87 Hours Running Across The Rocky Mountains.

            Let me tell you a bit about POWER-MEAL. Have you ever eaten a bowl of cereal and felt hungry 15 minutes later? Have you ever finished a piece of white-bread toast and found yourself wishing for a full course meal of bacon and eggs? Well, you’ve just found the solution to all your problems.

            Here’s the formula:

• Oatmeal (or oats): However much you can stomach
• Sweetness: Honey or maple syrup are good choices, to taste
• Flavor: Cinnamon still surprises me with how good it is, use more than you think you need
• HEAT: ANCHO CHILI POWDER, as much as you can handle (other heat acceptable)
• POWER: Add protein to taste (B-Bro uses 10 cups protein powder to 3 cups oats)

            Now all you have to do is roast some water over an open flame and stir it into the mix. Remember, too much water is better than too little. Nobody likes dry oats, and you’ll need it for today’s next training session anyways. Once that’s done, eat up and enjoy your liquid skill.

            Now that is what I call POWER-MEAL.

Number 1: Avocado Toast

An age lost. The halcyon days of youth dwindle as you look upon the paper that’s due in 6 hours. Suddenly, in a fit of what could be described as madness or as profound sanity, you stand up. Slowly, you walk outside for a taste of fresh air. The sunrise greets you, its shining rays blissfully unaware of what is happening below. Perhaps you will become like the sunrise, one day.

            Sup again guys, the B-Man is here to let you know that we’re looking at the most EXTREME food on the menu. That’s right: Avocado Toast. There are not many foods above avocado on the ultra-scale, and for good reason. It’s packed with the perfect combination of healthy fats to keep you awake and energized, not to mention the multitude of vitamins and minerals inside. Remember how POWER-BLEND is the key to immortality? Avocado is the key to everything else. And what better way to enjoy a key than on a piece of toasted bread?

Today is not that day. Right now, you have a job to do, and there’s only one way to do it. You go back inside to the kitchen and take two slices from a loaf of bread. Hands trembling, you put the slices into the toaster and press it down. The click and the high-pitched hum of electricity envelop you like a blanket made of dreams. Slowly, the blanket fades, allowing you to open the refrigerator. In your haze, it takes a moment for you to find the oddly shaped green fruit: an avocado.

            Are you ready for me to blow your mind? Remember the ultra-marathon runner from earlier? Well, his POWER-MEAL formula is a bit different from normal. For sweetness, he doesn’t use anything sugary. Avocado is enough for him. Similarly, avocado covers the power requirements. He also replaces the oats with a few avocados. According to him, that’s the way to survive in the wastes. Avocado will support you on hour 80 when even most ultra-foods would falter. It just goes to show how EXTREME avocado can be. So, allow me to explain the prep method:

• Cut an avocado into slices
• Toast some bread (preferably power-bread of some kind)
• Place the slices of avocado onto the toast
• Put other things on the bread (you can make it savory with pepper and similar spices, or sweet with honey and similar ingredients)
• Eat the toast along with the slices and other additions 

As you slice the avocado, you feel the world melting away. All at once, you’re floating in the sky. You look down and see rows of houses, each with a “for sale” sign in front of them. You’re not sure how, but you can tell that they are out of your price range. At once, you return to reality. You see that you already assembled the dish: the cleanly sliced avocado sits atop perfectly crisp slices of toast. A drizzle of honey and just a dash of nutmeg complete the set. There is only one thing left to do. As you bite into the toast, you think back to the houses. You know that now they will be forever out of your reach. Shocked, you feel tear slide down your cheek. But you hold the pain back. Instead, you continue eating, ravenously now, as if to make up for what you’ve lost. As you take your final bite, you feel knowledge coursing through you. Five and a half hours left. You will finish your paper, but at what cost?

Comment to be entered in the #FinalsWeekRaffle:

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~ Jackie “B-Bucks” Rodgers AKA the B-Man (AKA Matthew Morine) [photo creds to Jeremy Satyawan Putra]